Things Not To Say During Sex

Alcohol

A to Z of drinking
Signs You Drank Too Much This Weekend

A cowboy walks into a saloon bar and orders a large bourbon. Finishing his drink, he turns to the face the guy playing the piano, takes out his gun, shoots the music papers into the air, shoots the guys hat off and finally shoots the lid down trapping the poor guys fingers, before a flash spin with the gun and puts it back in its holster. "Brilliant shooting," says the bartender, "mind if I look at your gun." Another flashy spin brings the gun into the bartenders hands. "Nice tool, but if I were you I would file off the sight, all the rough edges, and where your name is in diamonds on the handle, make it all nice and smooth." "What the hell for?" asks the cowboy. "Well see that piano player," says the bartender, "he is Billy The Kid, and when his hands are better he is going to ram that gun up your fucking arse"

* * *

A guy walks in a bar and order’s two house specials. The barkeep say’s were all out of Heineken, would he likes some Bud. The guy say’s "Yes". Ten minutes later Bud comes out the bathroom with two full glasses.

* * *

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter and asks the barman "Have you seen my brother?". The barman asks "What does he look like?".

* * *

There was this guy that walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He began to have a conversation with the bartender and he went from one beer to several more. After a couple of hours the man realized that he had to piss. At this point he was falling down drunk. He asked the bartender where the john was and the bartender replied "Down the hall the second door on the right. Whatever you do do not go into the first door on the right." The man then got up and walked down the hall and went into the first door on the right. About ten minutes had passed and the bartender knowing that the basement had been flooded earlier and that the first door on the right was a elevator shaft figured that the man had went through the wrong door. He went to check on the man and coming closer to the first door he could hear the mans yells for help. He opened the door and asked the man if he was all right. The man replied "I am fine. Just don’t flush the Toilet!"

* * *

Luke Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi walk into a bar.

Luke: "I don’t know what to drink!"

Obi Wan: "Use the 4X, Luke."

* * *

There was a bar with a sign that read "Pianist Wanted." A guy walks in there and says "I’m here for the pianist job." The owner says "Well, play us a tune and if you’re good enough then you’ve got the job." He sits down and plays a song that nearly puts the owner in tears. "Oh, what a great song! What’s it called?" the manager asks. "It’s called, the dog with 2 dicks and my wife’s doin my brother!" "Um, that’s strange but play us one more tune." The man plays another tune and this time the manager breaks down with tears. "What do you call that song?" he sheepishly asks. "The frog takin a shit and the camel with 3 humps!" he replies. The manager told him that he had the job on one condition: he must not tell the customers the names of the songs he is playing. He started that playing that night. After every song he would get a standing ovation. After about 2 hours he stood up and said "Ladies and gentlemen, I’m going to take a quick break and I will return in a few moments." So he ducked into the toilets to take a slash. On his way out a man passing said "Hey, do you know your zips undone and your cocks hangin out!" "know it, I wrote it!"

* * *

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a Bud. He says "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender doesn’t understand but gives the man a beer. After 15 minutes the man orders a beer again saying "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks a little bit confused but pours the man a beer. The goes on the whole night and after the 15th beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "What do you mean with before problems start, when are you going to pay for the beers you drunk." The man answers "You see right now the problems start!"

* * *

An old Englishman walks into a bar an asks for a bottle of 38 year old wine from Leonne, France. The bartender not wanting to go to the cellar gave the Englishman the closest bottle of wine he has. The Englishman tasted it and said "This wine is only 2 years old and is from Santiago de Chile. "The bartender was amazed, but at the same time curios, so he gave him another bottle. The Englishman goes "This wine is 17 years old and is from San Diego, California." The bartender was so amazed that he gave him another bottle. The Englishman tasted it and said "This wine is 30 years old and is from Lima, Peru. "Finally the bartender goes to the cellar and got the right bottle and gave it to the Englishman. The Englishman said: "Finally, a 38 year old wine from Leonne, France." An old drunk that had been watching goes up to the Englishman and said "Could you please tell me what kind of drink is this" and hands him a cup. The old Englishman tasted and said "What the fuck this is piss." And the drunk replied "Yeah I know but could you please tell me from where because I’m so drunk that I don’t remember where I live."

* * *

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini. The bartender says "Olive or Twist?"

* * *

A chicken walks into a bar , looks around and says to the barman "Sorry, wrong joke"

* * *

A guy walks into a bar. With him is a cat and an ostrich. The man says "Get me a Budweiser." The ostrich says "May I have an orange juice?" The bartender nods. Then the cat says: "I’ll have a shot of Vodka, but I’m notpaying." They finish their drinks and leave.

The next night, the man walks in with the cat and the ostrich again. The man orders a Bud, the ostrich orders orange juice, and the cat has vodka, but insists on not paying.

The third night that this happens, the bartender is pretty curious. He walks over to the man and says "Tell me, why do you come here everyday with a cat and an ostrich?" The man looks around and says "Well, I was walking home from the bar four nights ago, and I took a short cut through an alley. I found this old lamp, and it had a genie in it. He said ’Son, this is your lucky day. I’m going to grant you one wish’ and I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

* * *

Two drunks are in a bar.

First one: "My wife is an angel"

Second one: "You are lucky! Mine is still alive."

* * *

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way buddy you’re too drunk."

A few minutes later the drunk comes in throught the bathrooms, again he slurs "Give me a drink." Bartender says "No, man, I told you last time you’re too drunk."

Five minutes later the guy comes in throught the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says "You’re too drunk." The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."

* * *

Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast."

* * *

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a triple martini. The bartender says "What a coincidence, the only other person at the bar is that beautiful woman at the other end. She is also drinking triple martinis." After a few sips of his drink, the man walks up to the woman and says "Isn’t it a coincidence that we are both having the same drink." She replies "Yes! I am here because I am celebrating. After 20 years of trying I am finally pregnant!" "What a coincidence," the man replied, "I am also celebrating. After years of experimenting, I have invented a multicolored chicken." At this, the woman asked "How did you ever accomplish that!?" "I had to try a lot of different cocks," he said. The woman replied "What a coincidence!!!"

* * *

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out. Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy "Excuse me, but I noticed that everytime you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what’s in your pocket." The guys slurs "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."

* * *

A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is staring at the horse, when the horse says "Hey, buddy? What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says "No, it’s not that... it’s just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

* * *

A fish walks into a bar and the bartender says: "What do you want?" The fish croaks "Water."

* * *

A guy opens a bar, but he has no name for it. One day he sees a girl named Suzy and he thinks she has nice legs. So he names the bar "Suzy’s Legs". The next day, before opening hours, 3 guys are sitting outside of the bar. A cop walks up to them and says "What are you doing?" And one guy turns and says "We’re waiting for Suzy’s Legs to open so we can go in and get a bite to eat."

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Animals

Q&A
A book about the Elephant
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Things dogs don’t understand
Signs your cat has learned your internet password

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I’m going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

* * *

A bear and a rabbit were having a shit in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit "Don’t you hate it when shit gets stuck to your fir?" and the rabbit replies "No, not really." So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with it.

* * *

This blind fella is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and you guessed it, right down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie treat which he starts to offer to Fido.

A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, "None of my business, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just wizzed all down the leg of your pants?"

"Yes, I’m trying to break him of that habit", replies the blind man.

"Well, it’s none of my business," retorts the onlooker, "but you’re not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a treat!" To which the blind fella chuckles, "Oh I’m not rewarding him. I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"

* * *

There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua "Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says "We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says "Sorry, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says "You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says "Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good." The guy at the door says "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures "What the heck", so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says "Sorry, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says "You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!"

* * *

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says "This is great! Will I meet her at a party or what?" "No," says the psychic, "next term in her biology lesson."

* * *

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said "Grab for my ’thingy’ and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

* * *

There’s two fish in a tank, one says to the other "Do you know how to drive this?"

* * *

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty , the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied "Oh no, that couldn’t be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

* * *

A guy walks into a petstore. For the past two weeks he has suspected his wife of cheating on him, so he decides to buy a parrot that can tell him what goes on at his housee during the day while he is at work. "Wel,"’ says the petstore owner, "I only got one bird that can do that, but he’s got no legs." The guy looks at him and says "Well if he ain’t got no legs, how’s he balance himself on the perch." "He’s got a really long penis, so he wraps it around the perch." The guy thinks it over and decides to buy the parrot. He takes it home and sure enough the bird wraps his penis around the perch for balance.

Everyday the man comes home and asks the parrot if his wife has been cheating on him. Everytime the same answer "Raawk, nothing doing, Raawk". One day he comes home and finds the parrot lying on the bottom of its birdcage. He picks it up and asks what has happened. "Raawk, big happenings, Raawk, big happenings." "What happened?" asks the man. The parrot responds "Raawk, first your best friend came over, Raawk, then your wife made him breakfast, raawk, then they started kissing, raawk, then your wife took off her shirt." "And then what happens?!" asks the man really upset. "Raawk, I don’t know, thats when I got a woody and fell off my perch!"

* * *

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call the AA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn’t complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin said "Oh, no! It’s just ice cream."

* * *

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill’s yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. Bob buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill’s yard. After about a year and a half of Bob’s cow crapping in Bill’s yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill’s house. Bob runs over and demands to know what’s in the 18-wheeler. "My new pet elephant" Bill replies solemly.

* * *

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What’s going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

* * *

A man was in a hurry to board the airplane and didn’t have time to do the paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the man stashed the puppy down the front of his pants and sneaked him on the plane. About 30 minutes into the flight a stewardess noticed that the man was squirming in his seat.

Stewardess: "Are you OK, mister?"

Man: "Yes, I’m fine."

Time went by and again the stewardess noticed strange movements.

Stewardess: "Are you sure you’re all right, sir?"

Man: "Yes, but I have a confession to make. I didn’t have time to do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."

Stewardess: "I see. Well, as long as he’s housebroken, I guess it will be OK."

Man: "Oh, he’s housebroken. The problem is, he’s not weaned yet!"

* * *

A fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor.

The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you’re full of shit.

* * *

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don’t give two hoots for your shoes, man, I’ll go and kill my own croc!" to which the shopkeeper replied "By all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!".

The man went out into the Bayou and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. "They must be the ’ole boys’ he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying. Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!".

* * *

There’s a fella with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor, an absolute pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much. The guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him hard and yells "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says "OK for you." He locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At this point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws, and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very, very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s worried enough to open the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can’t understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says "By the way, what did that chicken do to you?"

* * *

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks. The owner says "It knows how to use a computer." The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars." Needless to say this begs the question "What can it do?!" The owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

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Art

How artist do it
Books and Authors
What the Movies teach us
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: get a huge block of marble, then you chip away everything that doesn’t look like an elephant.

* * *

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied, "the good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That’s wonderful," the artist exclaimed, "what’s the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor..."

* * *

An artist had been working on a nude portrait for a long time. Every day he was up early and worked late - bringing perfection with every stroke of his paint brush. As each day passed, he gained a better understanding of the female body and was able to really make his paintings shine.

After a month, the artist had become very weary from this non-stop effort and decided to take it easy for the day. Since his model had already shown up, he suggested they merely have a glass of wine and talk - since normally he preferred to do his painting in silence.

They talked for a few hours, getting to know each other better. Then as they were sipping their claret, the artist heard a car arriving outside. He jumped up and said "Oh, no! It’s my wife! Quick, take off your clothes!"

Q&A

Q: How many artists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten. One to change it and nine to reassure him about how good it looks.

* * *

Q: How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun and the cocker spaniel.

* * *

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
A2: Two. One to change it and one to throw a bucket of water out the window.

* * *

Q: How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to do it and one to say "Huh! My four-year old could’ve done that!"

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Blonde

Q&A
Did you hear about the blonde who...

A blonde goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "the kind for under his arms."

* * *

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she’d been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: "Do you know where you were going?"
Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad ’cause all the people were leaving."

* * *

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I’ll sink?"

* * *

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: "I can’t seem to get this door unlocked!"
Blonde#2: "Well, you’d better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!"

* * *

Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...

* * *

A blonde’s response to the comment "Think about it!" - "I don’t have to think, I’m blonde!"

* * *

A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don’t remember who with.

* * *

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I know it and if I knew how to swim I’d go out there and drown her."

* * *

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: "We need help. We’re three blondes changing a light bulb."
Operator: "Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?"
Blonde: "Yes."
Operator: "The power in the house in on?"
Blonde: "Of course."
Operator: "And the switch is on?"
Blonde: "Yes, yes."
Operator: "And the bulb still won’t light up?"
Blonde: "No, it’s working fine."
Operator: "Then what’s the problem?"
Blonde: "We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves. "

* * *

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:

Brunette: "I’ll have a B and C."

Bartender:"What is a B and C?"

Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I’ll have a G and T."

Bartender: "What’s a G and T?"

Redhead: "Gin and tonic."

Blonde: "I’ll have a 15."

Bartender: "What’s a 15?"

Blonde: "7 and 7"

* * *

Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children.

1st brunette: "I just know I’m going to have a girl, ’cuz I conceived while I was on my back".

2nd brunette: "Mine’s going to be a boy, ’cuz I was on top during conception".

Blonde: "Uh-oh! I’m going to have a puppy!"

* * *

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively "How do you give shoulders?"

* * *

Teller: "Why did the blonde move to L.A.?"
Blonde: "I don’t know. Why?"
Teller: "It was easier to spell."
Blonde: "Easier than what?"

* * *

A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

* * *

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "Oh, well!" and turned around an drove home.

On her way home she drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

* * *

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up and says "Where?"

* * *

I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting. She told me she didn’t know how to cook them.

* * *

What about the blonde who gave birth to twins? Her husband is out looking for the other man.

* * *

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it and yelled out "Green side up!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "Green side up!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "Green side up!" The lady asked him "Why do you keep yelling ’green side up’?" "I’m sorry," came the reply, "but I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

* * *

A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.

Cop: "Miss, may I see your driver’s licence please?"

Blonde: "Driver’s licence? What’s that?..."

Cop: "It’s a little card with your picture on it."

Blonde: "Oh, duh! Here it is..."

Cop: "May I have your car insurance?"

Blonde: "What’s that?..."

Cop: "It’s a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."

Blonde: "Oh, this? Duh! Here you go..."

The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims:"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"

* * *

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.

Brunette: Last night I had three orgasms in a row!

Blonde: That’s nothing, last night I had over a hundred.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.

Blonde: (shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

---

Business

Q&A
Reasons Alcohol Should be Allowed at Work
Signs That You Work in the XXI century...
Ways to Confuse Your Workmates
Excuses if Found Asleep at Work
Office Inspirational Posters

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, "Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?" The businessman replies "That’s the accountant we’re looking for."

* * *

Theory is when you know everything and nothing is working. Organization is when nothing is working and everyone knows why. Practice is when everything is working and no one knows why.

* * *

Two guys are talking while sitting on a bench in the park. "All of my ancestors followed the medical profession." said the first. "Doctors?" queried the second. "Nope. Undertakers and lawyers."

* * *

Rule for Managers: If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.

* * *

The manager was very angry with this beginner who wanted a very high salary. He asked him why he wanted so much money whereas he had no experience. The beginner replied "Work is very difficult when you are a beginner. It becomes easier as you get experience."

* * *

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked. "Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

* * *

Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history. He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.

* * *

Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. It’s $5 if you make your own bed."

Guest: "I’ll make my own bed."

Innkeeper: "Good. I’ll get you some nails and wood."

* * *

Life Insurance Agent: "Don’t let me frighten you into a decision. Sleep on it tonight and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think."

* * *

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

* * *

Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance.

* * *

My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is looking up is that it’s flat on it’s back.

* * *

A worker was called on the carpet by his supervisor for talking back to his foreman.

Supervisor: "Is it true that you called him a liar?"
Worker: "Yes, I did."
Supervisor: "Did you call him stupid?"
Worker: "Yes."
Supervisor: "And did you call him an opinionated, bullheaded egomaniac?"
Worker: "No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?"

* * *

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked. "Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?" "Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice. "No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?" "Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

* * *

A plumber was called to fix a pipe. He arrived, banged on the pipes for 15 minutes, and said to the homeowner well that’ll be $35. The homeownersaid "Thirty five dollars!!! Why that’s $140 per hour!!! I’m a lawyer and I only make $100 an hour!!!" The plumber replied "Yeah, that’s what I got when I was a lawyer."

* * *

A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop. "How can I help you?" asked the stylist. "I went for a hair transplant" the guy explained, "but I couldn’t stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I’ll pay you $5000." "No problem," said the stylist and she quickly shaved her head.

* * *

A man had dreamt all his life of going to Rome. He told his friend, the local barber, all about it one day while having his hair cut.

Barber: "How will you get there?"

Man: "I’m going on Alitalia."

Barber: "No-not them, they have a terrible reputation. Where will you stay?"

Man: "At the Rome Hilton."

Barber: "Forget it, I hear their hotel there is abysmal. When you get there what will you do?"

Man: "Why, I’m going to see the Pope."

Barber: "Come on. Who are you? You’re not famous or well-known. Don’t be ridiculous!"

A month later the man returned to get his hair cut again.

Barber: "So, you never got to Rome, did you?"

Man: "Oh, yes, I did! Alitalia was a wonderful airline. And the Hilton hotel was magnificent. And I did get to see the Pope."

Barber: "Well, what happened?"

Man: "I bent down to kiss the Pope’s ring."

Barber: "You’re kidding! What did he say?"

Man: "He looked at me and said, `Son, where did you get that lousy haircut?’"

* * *

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer." The apprentice did just as he told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

* * *

An applicant was asked if he was familiar with any machines. He said "Four." "That’s great. What are the four machines?" He said "Coke, coffee, candy, and cigarette."

* * *

The personnel manager was impressing the applicant with the prospective job. "We make parts for microscopes. You’ll be required to work with lenses that are ten-thousandths of an inch thick." "I can handle it," the applicant said, "I used to slice meat in a delicatessen."

---

Sex

Q&A
Kinds of Sex
What Girls Say and What They Mean
What Guys Say and What They Mean
Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex
Things Not to Say to a Naked Woman...
Things Not To Say During Sex
Murphy’s Laws on Sex

Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."

The second said "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."

The third said "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it’s still going."

* * *

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says "You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said "Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!" Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

* * *

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and I can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer and I’ll order from that." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have, meat loaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. Mary the cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. The owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him. He tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs into the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir. This time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "I didn’t know Mary worked here."

* * *

A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can’t afford to lose, you shouldn’t bet."

* * *

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill." said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was fucked."

* * *

A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I’m getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way." The doc said, "I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said,You’ll be the first; no one has ever touched them before." He tore off his pants and said, "Look at this. It’s still in the CRATE.

* * *

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don’t tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don’t say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

* * *

A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It’s a lot of money!" The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma’am, where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I’d have the Bank president’s balls in my hand!"

* * *

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob’s standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I’ll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell’s wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don’t know, but I ain’t touching it."

* * *

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I’m a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I’m a prostitute.". "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I’m a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?". "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

* * *

One day, little Tommy, bored out of his mind, went to his father for suggestions on what to do to pass the time. "I’ll tell you what," said the father, "take this dollar and run into town and get me a dollars worth of what’s what." Tommy grabbed the dollar, hopped on his bike and rode into town. Once there, he had to decide what store would have the what’s what. He stopped in front of the pharmacy and went in. He went to the pharmacist’s desk, held up the dollar and said, "I’d like a dollar’s worth of what’s what, please." The pharmacist knew immediately that the boy was on a wild goose chase and said, "If you go across the street, to the house with the red light on the front porch, they can get you some what’s what." Tommy ran across the street and knocked on the front door. A tall, stunning blonde, completely naked, opened the door. Her pussy was right in little Tommy’s face. Pointing to it he said, "what’s that?" "What’s what?" the whore replied. "Good, I’ll take a dollar’s worth."

* * *

There’s this guy who’s in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he’s shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful! I’ll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape." "Well," says the seller, "it’s pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you’re buying the bike I won’t need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She’s ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend’s parents’ house. It’s the first time he’s going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend’s arm. "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word. "Her Mom’s kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend’s Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence. Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it’s starting to rain. He figures he’d better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I’ll do the damn dishes."

* * *

An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty. "What’s the problem?" asks the doctor. "Well," says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still can’t get the lid off the bloody bottle."

* * *

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he’s inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she’s talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again" she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I’m sticking around for 67 more of those, you’re crazy !!!"

* * *

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn’t figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

* * *

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her sleeping someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C’mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ’voodoo dick.’" The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there. "I’ll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn’t for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She sat on the bed and spread open her legs. She got the voodoo dick out and laid it on the bed right in front of her, and said just as her husband has told her: "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" . The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her, and wouldn’t stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

* * *

A man walked into an appliance store and asked the price of a 25" remote controlled color television set. "One dollar," the clerk replied. "You’ve got to be kidding." "Look, Mac," the clerk said, "do you want it or not?" Of course, the customer gave him a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the suctomer saw a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker. "How much for that?" he asked the clerk. "Fifty cents," came the reply. The customer forked over the half dollar, saying, "What the heck is going on here?" "Nothing is goining on here," the clerk snapped. "But my boss is at my house with my wife. And what he’s doing to her, I’m doing to his business."

* * *

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They didn’t want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were really really dumb. When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was. The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got."

* * *

One day a man was sleeping and the neighbor’s little girl entered his house, woke him up and said, "What is that between your legs?" He replied that is "my bird." He went back to sleep. She came back later and said, "What’s that furry stuff around your bird?" He replied that’s "my nest." So he went back to sleep. She came back later. "What’s those two things under it?" He said those are "the eggs." She said, "Okay, can I play with your bird,and he said "ok." When he woke up later, he noticed that he was in the hospital. He saw the little girl and asked, "what happened?" She said, "When I was playing with your bird he spit in my eye so I chopped off his head, burnt down his nest and busted his eggs!"

* * *

A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

* * *

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

* * *

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That’s wonderful. Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?" The father replied "From the smell of his fingers... our son in-law!"

* * *

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. "Ribbit 9 Iron" He looks at the frog, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply’s "Ribbit Lucky frog" The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood" The guy takes out a 3 wood, and boom! Hole in one. The man is amazed and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man had golfed the best game of golf in his life. Then he asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply’s, "Ribbit Las Vegas" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette" Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6" Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me" He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 17-year-old girl. "And that, your Honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

* * *

A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one that’s more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer that we have. It’s $500." "I’ll take it!" The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won’t even notice if I’m wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won’t know the difference." So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. "Damn, you’d think for $500 they’d iron the damn thing."

* * *

One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?" "Of course, Son, we’re a family." So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"

* * *

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your brother.

* * *

Little Johnny was in trouble again.....He was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and all though the crime seemed highly improbable, the state’s evidence was overwhelming. As a last desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny’s pants, and grabbed the boy’s tiny penis for all to see. "Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?" Growing more agitated he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman." "WATCH IT," yelped Little Johnny. "One more shake and you’ll lose the case!"

* * *

Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking. After a while the boy stops. "You know we’ve been doing this for a few weeks now and I think it’s time we went all the way," he pleads. "Well, maybe," she says, "But I’m a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides all those people at the field may hear us." The boy stops and says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I’ll stop. But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we’re really doing." The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing.
"Moooo ..... Moooooo ...... Moooooooon River .......!"

* * *

There once was a man who lost his arms in a car accident. One day he won a million dollar lottery. After a moment of thought, he rushed to the hospital and asked their top surgeon whether he could get his arms back for a million dollars. "Wow," the doctor replied, "I just invented a completely voice activated mechanical arm, but I can only give you one though." So he showed him some of the stuff the arm could do and the man was amazed and bought the arm. The next day he went to the pub with his friends to show off his new advanced arm. As they sat together he told the arm to pick up his pint of beer and give him a sip. The arm did it perfectly and the friends were amazed. After a few pints the man went for a piss. He told the arm to take his penis out and away he pissed. Then he tells the arm to, "give it a little shake". The arm does and the man seemed to over-enjoy it, and so he looks around to make sure no one is looking and tells the arm to give it another little shake. He gets a boner and once again turns around to make sure nobody’s watching and then tells the arm, "jerk it off!" The arm pulls off his penis and the man screams out, in pain, "Fuck Me!" So the arm then shoves his penis up his ass. The man even more shocked at this stage shouts out, "Holy shit, would you look at that." The arm pulls his penis out of his ass and shoves it right into one of his eyeballs!

* * *

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It’s a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

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