10 Ways To Get The Girl

Let’s face it; dating is never easy (unless you’re George Clooney and well…you’re not). God created Eve for Adam; one woman for one man. Unfortunately, now there are a million more Adams fighting for that one Eve. The only way to win this ‘Singles War’ is to be ready for battle. Lock and load, gentlemen. Here are 10 basic rules that can take you from being ‘that guy’ to ‘her guy’.

No False Advertising

Your profile picture is the first thing we look at. If you haven’t posted your picture, do it. And no, we don’t want to see your prom picture from 1987 (even though that was a good year). Make sure the picture is of you only and not of you and some hot girl. We already know you are a heterosexual man – no need to prove it. We’re here to meet you, not your favorite Hooters girl.

Be Creative

Women like men who think outside the box. So spice up that profile of yours. Put in a funny quirk about yourself or a quote from your favorite relative. No novels, please. We want to get some idea who you are, not read ‘War and Peace.’ Once you’ve set your date, be sure to make a plan. Take it up a notch up from coffee. As my comedienne friend, Chelsea Handler, says, “What’s a coffee date gonna lead to? A piggy-back ride?” Some good date ideas are a picnic in the park, a day at a local art fair, or a sporting event.

Humor is Hot

Though the number-one thing a girl desires in a guy is a sense of humor, we’re not looking for Josh, the JDate Jokester. Women want someone light-hearted whom they can enjoy being around. A man who can laugh at himself is very sexy, so don’t take yourself so seriously. And please please please…. do not quote Seinfeld. We know that it’s your favorite show, but if we want to re-visit the “Contest” episode, we’ll buy the DVD.

Dress to Impress

Girls put an effort into getting ready for you. You should do the same. You don’t have to look like you stepped off the runways of Milan, but be aware of what’s in style. Acid-washed jeans are never a good idea unless you’re a drummer in a hair metal band. The sockless thing may have worked for Don Johnson, but times have changed. Finally, leave the Drakkar and man jewelry at home. Women don’t like to be out-scented or accessorized.

Have Game

Be confident, but don’t act too *censored*y. Make eye contact. A man who looks at the ground is either insecure or a serial killer. Keep the conversation about yourself to a minimum. Ask questions about your date. Be complimentary, but don’t overdo it. Conversation topics like “How many JDates I’ve had this week” or “How I spent five grand on my new plasma TV” are not attractive. Don’t flirt with the waitress. If you have a wandering eye and we catch you in the act, it’s best to fake a seizure.

Edit Button

We want you to be open and honest. However, on the first date, you might want to keep the “why I hate my ex-wife” discussions to a minimum. I once went out with a guy who told me his last girlfriend was an adult film star. All I kept imagining was him at the AVN awards clapping for his girlfriend, Cherry Blossoms, who had just won for her work in “Sodomania II.” Oh, and FYI, keep the details of your sexual proclivities to yourself. If we want to learn more, we’ll let you know. Subtly.

Mind Your Manners

Please be on time and if you’re going to be late, just call. Open the car door for her. Pull her seat out. Turn your cell phone off. If you are meeting her somewhere, offer to pay for her valet. If you are driving her home, walk her to the door. Most importantly, if it’s your first date, GRAB THE CHECK. Most women today will offer to pay, but we are just testing you. Make sure you get an A+.

Keep It Clean

You don’t have to be a neat freak, but make sure your place looks presentable when inviting a girl in. We know you weren’t on "Extreme Home Makeover," but we don’t want to see the aftermath of Hurricane Francis either. Just get rid of all the empty beer bottles and Chinese food from the night before and put all your “Playboys” in a drawer for safekeeping.

No Eager Beavers

We’re looking for a man, not a stalker. Court the girl, be attentive, but try not to overstay your welcome. There is nothing worse than the guy who won’t go away. It’s like getting up at the curtain of a bad musical, only to find out there are three more acts left. My friend Kimmie once had a guy tell her on their second date, “I think I’m falling in love with you.” Needless to say, she ran like Forrest Gump.

Follow Through

The rules for the movie “Swingers” don’t apply anymore. If you are truly interested, you will call the next day. No 3-10 day waiting period. Really into her? Make a plan for a second date at the end of your first date. That lets her know you mean business. Once you start seeing the girl, don’t pull a bad magic act where you appear and disappear at your own convenience. We notice the minute you show disinterest, and most of us won’t wait around for you to come back.

Okay, soldiers – use this knowledge as your secret weapon. Now, go get that girl!

By Shawn Pelofsky

Shawn Pelofsky is a stand-up comedienne who has opened for acts such as Bill Maher and Richard Lewis. You can catch her act weekly at The World Famous Comedy Store and on the new TBS series "Minding The Store."

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